Mini Rant: Dad

I had been wanting to write about something more personal but couldn’t figure out
a good subject. And writing it in my paper journal would have hurt my hand, badly!
In any case after getting off the phone with my mom about 2 hours ago this feeling
lit a fire under me to write about this, and it had to happen now. I knew If i waited till
later or tomorrow the same feeling wouldn’t be there. I needed to seize the opportunity
now. Plus I already talked Nathans  ear off about it and I’m soo very grateful that he
heard me out, but I still needed a release to get it out in a written format.

So what is this that I’m talking about. My dad. Daddy issues you may say? I guess so.
Frustration and confusion are my main emotions right now. Not understanding his
reasoning on life and we all naturally have to do. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad and
I respect him in some way, but I don’t understand him at all! My mom was letting me
know how he still has not taken care of back taxes. Still has not taken the initiative to
do them and get them taken care of. This is something we all do as a part of life. It’s
what you have to do, there is no option. Well he has no worry about it whatsoever.
Even after my mom let him know that she would let him borrow money [$400] to get
them done and taken care of. Even after knowing that my mom needs them for my
brothers medical help and since he receives checks from the government since he
is special needs. And my mom needs them to qualify for a lower cost on her medical
appointments and prescriptions. I don’t understand his reasoning to take care of it
to not have it be hanging over your head. We all need to do it, it’s not a special case
where it only applies to him. I also don’t understand how he doesn’t worry about
supporting for his family. Worrying about what we all do at one point or another in
our adult life. Whether we have a job to be able to support ourselves or family or where
rent and bill money will come from. Even though my mom works, too much I might
add, and my brother receives a monthly check that pretty much covers rent, how he
can just feel that now he doesn’t have to work or worry about providing. It’s astonishing!
Yet if we go out to dinner and he has no money to pay he feels soo embarrassed that
he wont want to eat or order anything. Why can’t he have that same sort of mentality
at home with the family, with my mom, my brother, my grandparents!! Really!!??To not
feel that urge and that fulfillment of having a job and knowing that you have money to
spend and are able to help out. He doesn’t even call my grandparents to see how they
are, to check on them!! They live in a ranch in the hills 2 hours away from the city
raising their own animals and taking baths in the river in pretty poor conditions,
but he doesn’t have that urge to say, “Hey maybe I should work harder so I can send
my old parents money so they don’t have to work so hard in their old age” Or, “Maybe
I should call them for 5 minutes to check on them and say hi”. His excuse is that he
doesn’t like being on the phone. Well hell, I don’t either much anymore but I make the
effort to keep in touch with my mom even if it’s once a week just to say hi and see what’s
new. Well my grandparents are not 30 or 40 years old where they can work the same.
But he doesn’t seem to have that urgency to send money or keep in touch with them.
He thinks it’s ok to go visit them and show up with only luggage with your belongings
and no money whatsoever, no money for the trip or to bring to help them out. Seriously!!???

It baffles me to think my dad can be this way. The dad I look up to, that I share things in
common with and that I love. He wont even call me and he’ll give me the same excuse,
that he doesn’t like being on the phone. It’s a disconnection with him in some way. I mean
if I call looking for my mom  and he answers we talk for a bit, but knowing that he doesn’t like
being on the phone it makes me feel like it’s forced or something. I just don’t get it. I don’t get
his calmness and aloofness towards everything. It’s almost like he wants to forget about any
real life things that we all have to do and take care of and just path his own calm way to where
he wants. It troubles me to know that he is like this while he sits back and sees how hard my
mom works. I thought it was always the opposite, the man wanted to work and not let the
woman work too much. At least from the generation that they came from. Or at least be equal
with payments and working and both people bring in half and half to the table. I don’t understand.
It’s just… wow….I don’t know….

And with his health he is just the same. He’ll have stomach problems and get weird
symptoms and my mom always tells him he should go and see a doctor to find out what’s
wrong and get some help. Well no, it’s too much trouble to do. So whatever it is he doesn’t
want to worry about it. He is just sooooo stubborn in his ways. I have tried talking about him
in the past but he doesn’t wan to hear it and typically I don’t get a straight answer that makes
sense as to why he does the things he does and why he doesn’t try to help or at least try.
He helps in the mornings in the bakery that my mom works at, but that’s only a few hours
and not a lot of money. Then he has the rest of the day, where he could be working
somewhere else, but no he doesn’t want to have an employer that he has to work for
and that he has to answer to. Are you fucking kidding me!!?? We all have to deal with this
at one point or another cause we have to work!! Why not him!!?? Ughh…I really wish I could
help my mom in convincing him to try to change his ways but he wont hear it from me or
from her. Or at least to get the damn taxes done, but no, that’s an ongoing battle. And after
10 years of being this way, he still has not changed and I don’t know if he ever will. It’s
truly frustrating and often wonder why my mom doesn’t leave him but she’s told me she
doesn’t want t just kick him out all cold blooded, but at the same time he doesn’t appreciate
what he has and doesn’t try to make the change to better things at home. It’s truly appalling
to know things are still like this after all these years. I often want to get my mom and brother
and get them away from it but he’s still my dad and what do I do there? What happens?
Would he learn a lesson or be left out cold, I don’t know. That’s why I feel for my mom cause
she deals with it and somehow has the patience to deal with him. I don’t know how much
I could have tolerated before ripping the hair out of my head in exasperation!!

Oh my god…I had to pause a few times, take deep breaths and coalesce the thoughts
in my head on here. I feel somewhat drained but feel good getting it out. I just really
wish I knew what was going on and why things are the way they are. That’s the most troubling
to think of. I have no idea that I or my mom will ever now…In any case sorry this turned into a
long rant and if you read it thanks for doing so. I think I need to go watch my shows to try to get
my mind off it cause it’s all I can think of right now.

In any case, give me your thoughts on this cause I don’t know what to think about all this
anymore…I am a whole range of emotions right now, especially confused…


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